Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Open Letter

By the time you read this. We will have been done and over for a very long time.

I can't help the heaviness in my heart however. I want you to know that I always wanted to be with you. And I wanted us to last forever. I wanted you to be my wife and have a family with you. That never changed one day I was with you. I know we went through some low periods but I guess I just always thought we'd be able to push through because we always did. 

When you left a part of me died. I truly felt a death and void that I haven't been able to fill. So much of me was you. And I didn't fight because I didn't want to come back as the same man. its not because you weren't worth it. And I REALLY hope you don't think that. You deserved better. I realized I had to look within to find out what was wrong with me before I could fight for you. It just took too long.

It's been a hard recovery. I miss your smile and your laugh. I just miss everything about you. I love you from the purest part of my heart. 

I think back on certain days we had and I just wish I could have been more for you. You were right to leave me. And I should actually thank you because it helped me see the errors of my life. I couldn't look in the mirror at one point. I was disgusted with who was looking back at me.

I was taught to stand by those you love and fight for what you love and I didn't, I wasn't ready to. Being a piece of shit and coming back as a piece of a shit seemed futile. I had already done it once and I wasn't going to do it again.  If someone like you who loved me so much could be pushed to the point of leaving then that means I wasn't right. I wasn't the person I should have been.

I was so proud to call you my girl and tell people about you. I know I joked about "lovey dovey" couples, but I loved to hold your hand. And I loved to kiss you. I just loved you like I said from the purest place in my heart.

Guilt is a fucking hell of an emotion. And I've had a lot of it. Especially in how i handled things with your father's passing. When Jim passed I just wanted to see you happy again. I wanted the smile back on your face and I did all I could to make it come back. I knew I could never replace your dad, but I thought I might be able to bring back some of that happiness he gave you. And I think we got to a point where you were happy again, but I don't think I helped you heal and that really kills me. I wish instead of trying to take your mind off of him and keep you happy I asked you to vent and tell me how you felt. I just never dealt with that situation before and we were so young. So for that I apologize. 

Another moment I haven't been able to reconcile is when I left you crying at your house to go play basketball. I came back into the room and asked why you were crying and you said "i don't want you to go" and I told you I'd be back and there was nothing to worry about. I realize now that that might have been the lowest moment of my life. I didn't realize at the time what those tears meant. I don't know how I could leave the person I love most crying like that. I know we don't get redo's in life, but thats one moment I wish I did get. I wish I would have just held you. Thats my biggest regret is that I didn't hold you and comfort you the way I should have. 

I hope you know it wasn't because I didn't love you. You meant the world to me. I just had so many issues at the time. I'll never be able to explain my side fully and the same goes for you. I understand now that the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" are pointless. We are not the same people we were when we were together. We've both changed into new people and moved on in our own ways. 

When I was with you I was the man I wanted to be and I was a much better person. In those last few months though of our relationship I literally just lost it. My grasp on reality was gone. I lost myself, which caused me to lose you.The pain I felt when you left was devestating, but I know it hurt you equally if not more to leave. But I'm so proud of you for knowing whats best for you. You're an incredible woman who I cherish. 

This is long. Thank you for being my girlfriend, my best friend and an angel to me. I wouldn't be alive without you Mags. We both went through some shit in life and when we were together and I'm glad we had each other when we did. When I thought about giving up at one point I thought of you and it saved me. For that I'll never be able to repay you. I wasn't planning on sending this. I'm sure half the shit I said in here is old news for you. Guess I just don't want anything left unsaid. 



PS- I'm not writing this for forgiveness or because I think it will bring you back. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Gotta Laugh

One of the harder things to do during this process is let go of old stuff. It really, really sucks. Anyone who's been through a break up knows that. It basically goes something like this...




Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Reddit Inspired

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/2t47pe/iama_90_year_old_man_suffering_from_aspiration/

Today I was inspired to write by an AMA on reddit. This 90 year-old-man suffering from a multitude of health problems did one with his grandson. Among them, dementia, Parkinson's and COPD. The grandfather, while ailing, was able to give some compelling answers. 

When asked if he feared death, the man said "Not anymore. Knowing my children are able to handle themselves, I'm ready to face it." That answer resonated with me. My biggest fear is in life is death. Its always been since before I can remember. I guess I've always had an issue with uncertainty and the unknown and death is the great unknown. It was inspirational to read this old man didn't fear it anymore. He's not welcoming it and he's not giving in, but he's not scared to die. The reason? Because he's going to go knowing that his kids are alright. 

His answer made me question my own mortality. If I knew today was my last day on earth, who would I want to see? What would I say? What would be my legacy? What would make me ok with dying? 

Those questions all have answers except the last one. There is nothing that would make me ok with dying today. Its not because I didn't make a million bucks before 30 or that I still drive a Honda Civic or that I didn't make it to the NBA(not that I ever had a chance). Its because I haven't made a family of my own like the old man. 

People have life misconstrued if you ask me. We work hard to earn money and hopefully leave something behind for our loved ones when we go, but guess what? That money won't fill the void you leave. All that time you spent trying to attain material things won't matter. That car you bought won't miss you when you die. That house you own won't miss you when you die. Your kids will miss you, your wife, your husband, brothers, sisters, friends, those people will miss you. All those "things," you worked for won't miss you. Its much more important to impact people than it is to accumulate shit. 

Remove your ego for a bit, remove yourself from the situation and look at it from an outsiders point of view. That is something I've learned over the last few months. Remove yourself and view yourself through the eyes of a loved one and maybe you'll gain a new perspective. 

See yourself the way your girlfriend sees you. Then maybe, just maybe you can feel what she feels on a real level. If you do that, you'll understand why she comes to you for comfort. Why when she cries she wants you to hold her. Why when she's happy she wants to share that moment with you. 

See yourself as your mother does and feel that love. It will help you understand why she sticks by you even when you mess up. Why she has complete faith in you even when you lose faith in yourself. 

See yourself as your friends do. You'll understand the qualities that make them gravitate toward you. You'll understand why they've become your brothers instead of just your boys. 

I promise that if you remove your ego, you will truly find yourself. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Today

It happens every morning at 4, 5 or 6am. I wake up and think of her. I roll over to fall back asleep, but my mind begins to race. I roll over a second time and adrenaline begins to course through my body, by the third time I roll over I'm wide awake.

Its been months, but I can't get over her. Her bright blue eyes looking back into mine are something I miss everyday. Her touch is something I long for and her laugh is something I wish I could hear again. 

Its not her fault that I sit here, which makes the situation even more difficult. Why didn't I tell her how I felt? Why didn't I give her what she needed? Why didn't I hold on? There are a million questions I've asked and answered. The questions keep you up at night. The memories of the relationship are hard to let go. The future you talked about is hard to let go. She is hard to let go. 

They say time heals and maybe it does, but I haven't seen it happen yet. Maybe it doesn't happen. Sometimes people become a part of you and maybe they never leave you. She's not someone who showed up and left one day. She's someone who stayed and taught me about life. She taught me to love, to care about others, to be in the moment. I could go on forever because I learned from her everyday. She was my girlfriend, my best friend and my strength. 

I sit here thinking about the future we imagined and it hurts. We planned a life together. A family, a home, kids, were all talked about several times and now those conversations are just that. Conversations, that we once had.

Some nights I'll dream of her. You wake up and it feels real, but reality snaps you back quickly. You look across your bed and she's not there. You check your phone and theres no message. Its funny though, because in that moment that it feels real. You feel happy again. You feel that old emotion, you feel her presence, but she's not there. You got into that bed alone and you're going to wake up the same way. 

Its not her fault though. You can't blame someone for giving you everything. You can't be angry with someone for loving you unconditionally. You can't blame someone for leaving when you're the one that didn't fulfill your end of the bargain.

Forgiveness is what I need now. I need to forgive myself. Its not an easy thing to do, but its something I'm going to have to do. It won't happen over night clearly, but it will happen. One day I'll look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back. 

I can already feel the changes. The person I was five months ago is not the person I am today. The person I am today is the person I need to be. I'm not sure when it will happen, but my new outlook on life will eventually create happiness and peace. 

Until that day I will do the only thing I can, which is push on and be happy for her. When you really love someone, their happiness makes you happy. If you can't find happiness in the happiness of a loved one then you' don't love them; you just love the idea of them. 



Saturday, December 27, 2014

Wake up

It's funny, you spend years of your life elated to think about this person when you wake up. Her smile, her hair, her voice, you love everything. Now, you can't wait for the day when you wake up and she's not your first thought or your second, you just hope that one day she becomes a memory of a time you lived in. And it's not because you want to forget or even let go, but because you need to move on.

Everyday is  a little better and a little worse. Another day away from the person you love most and another day closer to healing.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Quote From "Swingers"

Mike: How did you get over it? I mean, how long did it take?
Rob: Sometimes it still hurts. You know how it is, man. It's like, you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, and then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all. And the funny thing is, is that, this is kinda wierd, but it's like, it's like you almost miss that pain.
Mike: You miss the pain?
Rob: Yeah, for the same reason that you missed her... because you lived with it for so long.


Sunday, December 14, 2014

Acceptance

Realizing how little control you have over life is a sobering experience. There are 7 billion people in the world making it move and you are just one small part. When put in that context it may make it sound like I'm diminishing us all, but I'm not. We all play a key role in the lives of those around us. Every interaction you have with a person is a chance to create a positive moment.

Going forward my aim is to create positive experiences with all those I encounter. There is no need to not have one. At the end of the day happiness is a choice. You can be sad or you can be happy so why be sad. Pick yourself up off the ground, dust off and move forward.

There are 7 billion people out there to potentially meet. Don't show them a version of yourself thats less than extraordinary. Show them the real you.