By the time you read this. We will have been done and over for a very long time.
I can't help the heaviness in my heart however. I want you to know that I always wanted to be with you. And I wanted us to last forever. I wanted you to be my wife and have a family with you. That never changed one day I was with you. I know we went through some low periods but I guess I just always thought we'd be able to push through because we always did.
When you left a part of me died. I truly felt a death and void that I haven't been able to fill. So much of me was you. And I didn't fight because I didn't want to come back as the same man. its not because you weren't worth it. And I REALLY hope you don't think that. You deserved better. I realized I had to look within to find out what was wrong with me before I could fight for you. It just took too long.
It's been a hard recovery. I miss your smile and your laugh. I just miss everything about you. I love you from the purest part of my heart.
I think back on certain days we had and I just wish I could have been more for you. You were right to leave me. And I should actually thank you because it helped me see the errors of my life. I couldn't look in the mirror at one point. I was disgusted with who was looking back at me.
I was taught to stand by those you love and fight for what you love and I didn't, I wasn't ready to. Being a piece of shit and coming back as a piece of a shit seemed futile. I had already done it once and I wasn't going to do it again. If someone like you who loved me so much could be pushed to the point of leaving then that means I wasn't right. I wasn't the person I should have been.
I was so proud to call you my girl and tell people about you. I know I joked about "lovey dovey" couples, but I loved to hold your hand. And I loved to kiss you. I just loved you like I said from the purest place in my heart.
Guilt is a fucking hell of an emotion. And I've had a lot of it. Especially in how i handled things with your father's passing. When Jim passed I just wanted to see you happy again. I wanted the smile back on your face and I did all I could to make it come back. I knew I could never replace your dad, but I thought I might be able to bring back some of that happiness he gave you. And I think we got to a point where you were happy again, but I don't think I helped you heal and that really kills me. I wish instead of trying to take your mind off of him and keep you happy I asked you to vent and tell me how you felt. I just never dealt with that situation before and we were so young. So for that I apologize.
Another moment I haven't been able to reconcile is when I left you crying at your house to go play basketball. I came back into the room and asked why you were crying and you said "i don't want you to go" and I told you I'd be back and there was nothing to worry about. I realize now that that might have been the lowest moment of my life. I didn't realize at the time what those tears meant. I don't know how I could leave the person I love most crying like that. I know we don't get redo's in life, but thats one moment I wish I did get. I wish I would have just held you. Thats my biggest regret is that I didn't hold you and comfort you the way I should have.
I hope you know it wasn't because I didn't love you. You meant the world to me. I just had so many issues at the time. I'll never be able to explain my side fully and the same goes for you. I understand now that the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" are pointless. We are not the same people we were when we were together. We've both changed into new people and moved on in our own ways.
When I was with you I was the man I wanted to be and I was a much better person. In those last few months though of our relationship I literally just lost it. My grasp on reality was gone. I lost myself, which caused me to lose you.The pain I felt when you left was devestating, but I know it hurt you equally if not more to leave. But I'm so proud of you for knowing whats best for you. You're an incredible woman who I cherish.
This is long. Thank you for being my girlfriend, my best friend and an angel to me. I wouldn't be alive without you Mags. We both went through some shit in life and when we were together and I'm glad we had each other when we did. When I thought about giving up at one point I thought of you and it saved me. For that I'll never be able to repay you. I wasn't planning on sending this. I'm sure half the shit I said in here is old news for you. Guess I just don't want anything left unsaid.
PS- I'm not writing this for forgiveness or because I think it will bring you back.